Sweatstock 2013 was a huge success and I was happy to play a small role in that. Despite some rain, there was a great turnout, bands delivered great performances, and everybody was satisfied. Although I made yuks introducing bands, I didn’t find the right time to deliver the Sweatstock material I wrote. So here it is. Imagine me saying it in a way that makes it twice as funny, and you’re drunk in the sun.

5 alternate plans for Sweatstock
Without your Indiegogo support Sweat would’ve had to compromise the festival in some way…

• Sweat Shock – the festival is scaled down to eliminate all drink vendors including water, so that everybody gets heat stroke and does the Harlem Shake. The kids love that Harlem Shake!
• Sweat Crocs – a big-name corporate sponsor would give out free purple and teal foam clogs! Assuming you sign a written statement that you’ve simplygiven up on life. Pet a real life crocodile!
• Sweat Sock – Socks are cheaper than records so we’re switching formats! Free sock samples, professional sock sliders, and a Red Hot Chili Peppers dress-up contest.
• Wet Stock – In a fit of young rebellion, we turn the inside of Sweat Records into a South Beach foam party! Ruining all the art and merchandise! Because fuck it!
• Sweat Lock – In a PR stunt, all attendees lock arms and create a human mesh cardigan that stretches from here to Wynwood. To symbolize the ironic death and rebirth of the hipster. Or whatever, this place is blah, PBR, what am I the 1%? I drink Narraganset.

Top exclusive Records Store Day releases
There were so many limited-edition collector’s items! Let’s check out a few of the rarest.

• The GooGoo Dolls comeback with Lady Gaga crying about fame backed by a full choir of babies for, you guessed it, the GooGoo Gaga Dolls.
• A tumultuous, coming-of-age Justin Bieber is mentored by the steady-hand-from-Xanax Linsdsay Lohan in a series of duets about the opposite of the horrible things they will inevitably do. The Downward Viral.
• Tom Waits and Bob Dylan got together to create a visionary folk rock album. Interestingly enough, most of the finished tracks were accidentally switched with recordings of the duo ordering Thai take-out – NOONE NOTICED. It’s called Grumble Curry.
• Korean pop superstar PSY gets political with his b-side “Opa Make Sure You Only Nuke NORTH Korea Style”
• Gotye‘s anticipated follow-up single – Somebody That I Used To Know Nonstop For A Couple Months And Got Sick Of (And Now Kind Of Tolerate Again)

Knight Arts Grant Award
Sweat was honored with an arts fund-matching grant of $140,000 for community improvement. Where will the money go?

• 5% to expand the frontmural – “Wall of Idolatry” to include more kind-of famous people to fuel confused conversations like “is that Sharon Jones or Maya Angelou?”, “Leonard Cohen or Al Pacino?”, “Lil’ Wayne or a puckered sphincter?”
• 5% staff nourishment – organic flax pop-tarts & fair-trade llama milk string cheese.
• 10% beautification – to keep the look “underground” – break up this shiny new road, put tons of sticky fliers on windshields, and plant more cigarette butt trees.
• 10% store improvements – a new door, a professional stage, and a new major NBA franchise to always loses its games on purpose.
• 20% to invest in the scene – this generation has a huge pool of incredible musicians that deserve lots of credit because they are amazingly talented without any hard work! Some money is for producing shows and albums, but most will be spent on silver platters.
• The last 50% – Baby monkeys, baby koalas, baby pandas!